Thursday, August 27, 2009

Bailouts, Babes and The Deranged Elderly

Meet The New Underwear Models... uh, I mean, Survivors!
CBS has unveiled the latest batch of adventurers willing to undertaken 39 days of semi-starvation, lack of sanitation, and a series of suspense-free "blindsides!" Yes, yes, we are all shocked when total strangers conspire against someone to win a million dollars. The biggest question for me this season will be, which Survivor will my roommate Mike cheer for/lust after. It's a toss up between Erik and Ben. I am a John boy all the way myself. On the lady side, former Marine, Harley, canine kids, mullet... say hello to lesbian stereotype Shannon!
On the hotness scale: (3 sizzles out of 5): The men are okay but the ladies look like a Victoria's Secret photo shoot shipwrecked in Somoa. No need for all those Cialis ads on CBS. They'll be getting it up on their own this season.

Bras Before Hoes
It is quite clear the elderly are out of control. Who knew that expanded lifespans would lead to such unrest and unruly behavior? It was one thing when they were just passing out behind the wheel and plowing through a crowd of pedestrians, but now they are aggressively fighting back. First, grandma got tased on the side of the road. Then they started screaming at town halls about government threatening to take over Medicare, a government program. And now, another grandmother has attacked a camera crew with a hoe.
On the crazy scale (5 nuts out of 5): Sarah Palin's "death panel" idea is sounding better and better!

My Bailout Needs A Bailout
Banks are hitting the ground like a safe and now the FDIC itself is running low on funds. The great Sheila Bair insists that they don't need to tap a line of credit even though funds are low and more bank failures are sure to come, but the FDIC is in the worst financial state it has been in since 1992 at the height of the savings and loan crisis.
On the danger scale (1 threat out of 5): Not out of the woods but the trees are thinning.

Road Headache
Yes, I will be in Ft. Lauderdale this weekend (Saturday night at Boardwalk, Sunday at Coconut Cove for the Pool Party), and Southern Decadence in New Orleans Labor Day weekend (dropping by the Decadent Ducks OMNI Royal party Friday night and the rest of the weekend stationed at Bourbon Pub next to David, the world's best bartender). But this is just the beginning of the busiest travel season of the year for me (take that June!). I've also got Dallas the weekend of September 19th, Philadelphia the weekend of September 26th, Anaheim the weekend of October 2nd, Hustlaball NYC on October 11th and IGRA Finals in Albuquerque the weekend of October 24th. If I am in your area and you don't come see me, I automatically hate you.
On the excess baggage scale (4 bags out of 5): If I only have 3 ounces of Morphine on me, can I put that in my carry-on?


Dvegas said...

RE: Survivor contestants. I'm all-in with Mick, the hunky porn-loving anesthesiologist with a homeless person fetish.

Anonymous said...

Like Dvegas, I'm about Mick & Brett myself... Yes. A couple hot numbers there.

Chris in Long Beach said...

Mick all the way! He's so H-O-T!!!

Now, why is it that most of the male contestants are from LA? Didn't CBS do casting calls from other locations? Or was it that the other locations didn't have hot contestants to be on TV?

Brandon Baker said...

YEA! I can't wait to see you at the HustlaBall in New York. COOL! errr... HOT. Either way - GREAT!