Saturday, June 23, 2012
There is never anything I want to do more on a Friday night after the show than go home. But my world has been shattered since the death of James last week and it has created a certain fever pitch of impetuosity on my part. I thought about the last time I saw him, sweating like a whore in church at XL a few months ago. And maybe it was the magical thinking that if I just went out to every bar in town, eventually I would see his hulking frame lumbering through the space like an elephant moving slowly through the jungle, a catastrophe of casual destruction in his wake. Like the months after 9/11 when I would gaze down Seventh Avenue at Times Square hoping to catch a glimpse of the twin towers, I think I will forever be looking over my shoulder with a sense of maybe.
In my grief, I sent a flurry of messages to my local friends that I had been remiss in seeing these past few weeks. I guess the arrival of spring had made me anxious to wring every second of delight out of my house that I can and my friendships, long on nightlife support, finally faded away. Ryan White and I planned to get together this week and then never did, but MattKugelman and I shared a delightful late meal at Vinyl on Monday. My friend Erik and I made plans to venture down to The Park on Thursday but fearing the zit on my nose would get worse, I pawned him off to a Friday party in SoHo.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Erik Rhodes passed away this morning and whenever someone dies, you reflect back on their life and what you knew of them. To millions of people he was a larger than life porn star, a bull in a sex shop, but I saw through all that to my friend James, a kid from Long Island, consumed by the life around him.
Whenever I think about life, I think about my favorite line from Gattaca, near the end when Ethan Hawke and his genetically superior brother (played by Loren Dean) are swimming out in the middle of a stormy ocean, and Ethan is beating him handily. When Loren asks him how he is able to do that, he replies, "I never saved anything for the swim back." Erik Rhodes was so much like that character, built up as this stronger than life facade and leaving nothing for the swim back.