Monday, February 23, 2009

25 Things About Oscar

I loathe those 25 Things About Me lists but what about 25 Things About Oscar? These are my thoughts on the 81st Annual Academy Awards.

1. When Hugh Jackman said "I don't actually have a joke for them" he didn't just mean Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie because he didn't seem to have any jokes about anyone. Four minutes in, room breathes enormous sigh of relief.

2. Angelina smiling like a lady while her husband's ex-wife is on stage with her former co-star. And Aniston acting like it is all perfectly normal. A whole lot of acting going on around here.

3. Since Carlo Ponti died, Sophia Loren is apparently now stepping out with Jose Cuervo AND Johnny Walker in the most talked about three-way since Vicki Christina Barcelona. Elizabeth Taylor screeching "GLADIATOR!" at the Golden Globes is suddenly a dim memory for everyone else too.

4. Um. Sean Penn and Robin Wright are back together?! Okay. Are they living in that Airstream trailer again? Oh wait. He didn't seem to thank her. Maybe it's a "just friends" thing. I wonder how Chad Lowe feels about this.

5. Kunio Kato's speech for Best Animated Short looked to be the least interesting of the night until he capped it with "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto." Things just got interesting!

6. Oh! An incomprehensible dance number that doesn't really have anything to do with anything? Hmmmm Oh, Baz Luhrmann created it? Well then I guess we all love it now, don't we girls?

7. Kate Winslet tells Meryl Streep to "suck that up!" a clear reference to Albert Brooks' line to her in that spaghetti eating scene from "Defending Your Life" that Winslet is always quoting at parties.

8. Man On Wire man Philippe Petit balances Oscar on his chin, briefly becomes this year's answer to Jack Palance's one-armed push-ups.

9. Dustin Lance Black's acceptance speech for Original Screenplay plays into the old stereotype of gays being pretty, smart and thin, while Greg Cannon's speech for Best Makeup proves the old stereotype of gays as bitchy and insufferable old queens. Gays everywhere flock to Dustin Lance Black. In alternate gay universe, the April 2009 BOP magazine appears on newsstands everywhere with foldout, heart-encrusted "Dusty" poster in the centerfold.

10. Death Reel sad as usual. New this year: no cutaway to Mickey "You're Next!" Rooney sitting in the audience.

11. Jerry Lewis caps a sixty year Hollywood career by once again not doing anything remotely funny. In the wings, Oscar winning French actress Marion Cotillard is in hysterics.

12. In the fervent hope of somehow winning Etta James over, Beyonce AGAIN sings "At Last" this time staring directly into the camera and hopefully into the burning soul of Etta James herself. Closed Captioning notes an undertone ["The song is mine now, bitch!"] woven within the familiar lyrics.

13. Jessica Biel presents the technical Oscars and appears on stage at the Academy Awards forcing the recall of millions of milk cartons with her photo on the back.

14. Kate Winslet acts like she is smiling when Marion Cotillard calls "The Reader" another "unmemorable performance" moments before she hands her the Oscar.

15. Dear Mickey Rourke. You are not Jack Nicholson. Please leave your shades in the car and stop being a douche until after you have three Oscars. Sincerely, The Management.

16. During Benjamin Button montage about aging backward, Goldie Hawn attempts to blink.

17. Memo to show casting: No past Oscar winners who starred in anything in black and white can present an award this year. Too confusing for younger viewers who didn't know movies weren't always in color.

18. Catherine Zeta-Jones' grandfather presents Sean Penn with the Oscar for Best Actor.

19. Halle Berry gushes over Melissa Leo's performance in Frozen River, a film few have seen, including possibly Halle Berry.

20. Speaking of Frozen River, Nicole Kidman's facial expressions have logged out due to inactivity.

21. Alicia Keys is here? Is Hollywood now officially out of stars? Also what's with that accent? I get that she plays her own songs on a piano and all but does she need to talk like a character named Daphne Davenport from a 1930s movie set in a Park Avenue penthouse?

22. In hopes of getting in some last minute upper arm tone, Death Reel songstress Queen Latifah attends Oscars with personal trainer.

23. Ummm.... where is Jack Nicholson?

24. Gay control of Oscars this year means welcome addition of hot trophy stud.

25. Continued gay control of Oscars means Hugh Jackman does 82nd Annual Oscars shirtless. Channing Tatum to present new award in 2010: Best Male Abs with no equivalent female category created. Original score medley replaced with twenty minute long Hex Hector dance mix. Graphic new Deliverance remake with Zac Efron in the Ned Beatty role sweeps the awards. Mel Gibson's Oscar show ban made permanent.

See you next year on the red carpet!

4 comments:

Viewtiful_Justin said...

Speaking of bitchy queens...

No. I'm just playin' Derek. I love your comments on the Oscars. Spot on in all accounts.

fishwatch said...

I think it was actually Maya Rudolph PLAYING Sophia Loren.

robbienalabama said...

#26. Tilda Swinton needs to just pick a sex already and stick to it.

whabbear said...

OMG, Derek! ROFLMAO at #10, "Death Reel sad as usual. New this year: no cutaway to Mickey "You're Next!" Rooney sitting in the audience."

Why have I never noticed that before?