Friday, July 30, 2010

The Feminine Mistake

A gay bar is a funny place. Well, not funny in the sense that you are genuinely laughing but it certainly brings out a humorous element. If our own nightclubs can seem surreal to us, I can only imagine what straight people must think. And by straight people, I mean straight men because straight women are often well acquainted with our gay antics. This is not always a good thing.

Personally, I don’t fully understand the appeal of a gay bar to a straight woman. On some level, I understand the basic motivation. It is a safe space where women can be their true selves, like the West Hollywood supermarket Pavilions. Straight women casually eat their way through that store unnoticed as muscle-bound homos pretend to buy health food and cruise each other in tank tops, dolphin shorts and track pants without any underwear under them. I suppose my irritation is in the notion that we aren’t offended by the desire of women to join us out at the bars. To them, the whole thing is cute, it is a lark, it’s Candy Land. But for us it is serious business. The produce section is nice and all but our local gay lounges are quite literally where the rubber meets the hole.

Tonight I went (as I seem always to do on Thursday nights) to The Park for Josh Woods’ weekly party. Fox was as foxy as usual but there was a new dimension to the festivities tonight: tons of women. Now often there are a few women splattered about, mostly I assume co-workers that some snappy gay had trouble unloading earlier. The Park has a lovely restaurant downstairs and perhaps some of them even got lost on their way to the ladies room and ended up in the Shangri La that is the upstairs patio. Whatever the reason, tonight The Park looked more like a very dressy PTA meeting than a gay club.

There was the usual assortment of Sex And The City clones, women who do not know that SATC was a fictional TV show set in an imaginary version of New York City. You all need to understand something: that woman had no real income and lived in an adorable apartment filled with millions of dollars worth of clothes and shoes, on a clean quiet street where you could always get a cab. That isn’t a fantasy; it is a psychotic break from reality. Seeing you standing there in front of me bra-less in a one shoulder couture dress and four inch heels with three sassy ladies in a gay bar doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look crazy. I don’t want to do lines with you in the bathroom, I want to have you committed and placed on a Thorazine drip.

One woman in particular got my hackles up. Scrunched up bubble skirt, cross your chest purse strap and I swear to you a Topsy Tail. When did Chelsea go from bumps to Bump-Its? Naturally she was doing that thing that always pisses me off more than anything when I am out on the town. She started being really loud and twirling in a circle. I know you think that is you being fabulous but it’s really just you being louder than the music and knocking drinks out of the hands of thirsty alcoholics. When her reasonably attractive thirty-something gay started looking around at the man candy, she grabbed him into her swirling dance of destruction like a gypsy tornado enveloping innocent farm land and leaving behind a trail of misery and unquenched horniness. We know you aren’t getting laid tonight, lady, but does that mean no one else gets to have sex either? Why must we all pay for your chastity? And see you in that outfit. Especially the shoes.

So this is my message to straight women everywhere. Come to our gay bars and have a nice time, but don’t make a habit of it and know when to say when. We don’t go to your bars and cock block you. I don’t know why you think it is hilarious and adorable and super fun to do it to us. And while we are on the subject, don’t go out to gay bars on gay pride weekend. It is our one weekend a year to celebrate who we are, not a sample sale for you where nothing fits. Our bars are packed during pride with gays who want to celebrate our hard-won freedoms with some hard-won men and you are just filling space that could be filled with hot men and keeping your gay friend from having sex. After all, that gay bar isn’t the only thing that wants to be filled with hot men. So give your little gay friend a break. And while you are at it, me too.


Billy said...

couldnt have said it better derek. from coast to coast I am very tired of seeing 3 girls to one gay. the trend is getting out of control and i am glad to read that i am not the only one who shares this opinion.

Anonymous said...

Wow. What a hateful blog. Alot straight woman stand up for guy rights. A completely selfless thing to do. Spreading mean comments about woman or anyone, for the matter, is really evil. When did life start getting so good for you that you had to start nit picking to keep yourself entertained. There's obviously some skeleton's in your closet.


Kendra said...

Thank you for keeping a blog. We used to listen to you on XM, but we moved to Alaska and we can't get XM up here! We miss you, but this is a great way for me to get my fix. Love it! And this post really made me smile.