Model Home

"Why are you here so early?" Ryan Hahn's voice rang out across his empty apartment as I dodged three eager waiters desperate to put a drink in my hand before I even had a chance to dispatch my coat. This is what happens when you show up at 9:05 for a very fancy holiday party that started at nine. Apparently, Ryan and our mutual friend Brian Gianelli (aka the only other person I would know at the party) had already decided Brian should come closer to eleven, when the party was in full swing. Information that would have been important to know.

As it was, I happily unloaded my junk at the coat check and grabbed a hot apple cider from the hot tasty bartender. I discovered the big-armed bartender with the heterosexual hair (see below) and equally hot waiters were no mere coincidence, but had been hired from Marc Levine, the owner of Model Bartenders. I came by this juicy secret from Marc himself who had come early to make sure everything was going well, which might explain the aggressive lords-a-leaping as I walked in the door. 

"Would you like to try on that Santa suit? It needs a bottom." - My Best Line of the Night

I settled into a nice long chat with the only other early bird homo at the party, Griffin Parsons, a very nice Williamsburger straight out of Central Casting. And literally, his coat check number was 001 (mine was 002). Talk quickly turned to Ryan and Harris' new apartment, apparently their third or maybe fourth in as many years. I'm not saying they are on the lam or anything, but Bonnie and Clyde moved less. (BTW, this is not a paid blog mention for that miniseries airing soon simultaneously on A&E, Lifetime, and a landfill.)

As it is, Ryan and Harris keep moving from gorgeous palace to other gorgeous palace. In this case, a two bedroom, three bath penthouse with a hot tub on the balcony and a master bathroom so large it has a double door entrance. A double door! To the bathroom! I assume only gay men and Joan Crawford lay awake at night praying to God for such a thing. I'm such a bad gay, it never even occurred to me that it was possible. But now that I have seen one, in stereotypical fashion, I will stop at nothing until I have it myself. Even if it means getting off the couch at some point.

Dreaming of a Double Door!

Eventually, Brian did show up and the party was in full swing as he did. In the interim, Griffin and I had watched as wave after wave of sweater-wrapped gays charged into the apartment ("The bus dropped them off." Griffin called out as six forced their way in at once).  Each cluster of gays entered swinging thoughtful gifts in tony bags from the finest Manhattan retailers you've never heard of if you don't live here. Naturally, I came empty-handed. Oh yes, and wrote publicly about their party afterward. I don't know why I have no friends.

Actual Screen Cap Of My Empty Facebook Feed.

Brian did not come empty-handed, in the sense that he walked in with a hot guy on each arm. I have taken this as a given at this point. When I insisted that I couldn't personally strain the hospitality of our hosts by bringing more than a single guest, Brian waved that nonsense off. "Ryan knows I have excellent taste." Brian brought his roommate Jonathan Eppers with him from California. Brian posts about Jonathan's career on Facebook with the consistency of a Hollywood publicist with only one client. This is the only thing I know about him.

I couldn't hear over the gay din if Brian's other guest was named Red or Rhett. It would be Red if he was from out West, Rhett if he was from the South. Rhett Millsaps is a lawyer turned actor/producer from... wait for it... Atlanta. "Did it ever occur to you to try acting before you finished law school?" I asked hoping (unsuccessfully) not to sound like someone's mother. "It's good to have something to fall back on," he offered, and it made me wish I had thought of that.

Later when we were inside Ryan and Harris' walk-in closet, we encountered Harris' Emmy, another thing I don't have to fall back on in another luxury space I don't have at home. This holiday party was starting to make me feel very bad about my life choices. Fortunately it was nearing time for me to leave.

An Actor's Life In The Closet! Rhett Reviews The Photo Jonathan Took Of Him Holding Harris' Emmy While Ryan Looks On.

 But before I could retrieve coat 002, Jonathan and Rhett were way ahead of me, tossing me a chocolate-covered fortune cookie on their way out of the party. I felt bad leaving Brian alone, but naturally reinforcements were already on their way. "Andrew will be here shortly."

It turns out that both Rhett and Andrew were at the pre-Broadway Bares party we all attended back in June. I didn't remember meeting either one of them and it was a really small party so I don't know how that happened. But I guess that is just one more misstep in my life to add to the growing pile of them gathering up around me as this evening goes on.

Betty Draper on Mad Men chided her brother for "counting other people's money" and that is good advice. Wanting to live like other people live is not the best way to find yourself, even in a penthouse apartment stuffed with model bartenders. And even if I didn't meet Rhett and Andrew before, it isn't like I missed meeting them again. All things come in time, like guests arriving at a party. No point in lamenting the beginning when you don't yet know how it all ends.